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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28596336">hold onto me</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/artsyleo/pseuds/artsyleo'>artsyleo</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>EastEnders (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Ben Mitchell Loves Callum "Halfway" Highway, Episode Related, Feels, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, Light Angst, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Therapy, Tooth-Rotting Fluff</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 07:13:43</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,388</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28596336</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/artsyleo/pseuds/artsyleo</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The room’s dark and warm and they’re skin on skin by the time Callum curls into Ben- head on his chest, hair loose and flat and just tickling under his chin.Ben can feel the way his heart’s still racing in his chest- both from everything they’ve just done and everything that’s happened today, everything that’s still racing around his head. He’s not quite sure he’s processed it all yet, all the things that have happened, but there’s one thing that’s there, clear as day. </p><p>I’m gonna marry that man, Jay. </p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>87</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>hold onto me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The room’s dark and warm and they’re skin on skin by the time Callum curls into Ben- head on his chest, hair loose and flat and just tickling under his chin.Ben can feel the way his heart’s still racing in his chest- both from everything they’ve just done and everything that’s happened today, everything that’s still racing around his head. He’s not quite sure he’s processed it all yet, all the things that have happened, but there’s one thing that’s there, clear as day. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I’m gonna marry that man, Jay. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>But-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’s not blind. He knows Callum better than anyone, better than Ben knows himself, and he knows there’s more. While Ben’s been in bliss he can see even now that there’s something behind Callum’s eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He knows those eyes infinitely well, down to every colour, every movement through them, every change. He’s spent hours just looking into them watching them and revelling in how there’s too much love in them for just him- more love than he’ll ever deserve. He’d spend a lifetime watching them change, if only he could. But then he’d miss everything else, like the way Callum scrunches up his nose when Ben pays him a compliment, or the way that when he blushes it happens all the way up to the tips of his ears. It’s all of those parts of him that Ben’s so in love with, all of those parts that he’s familiarised himself with and knows so well. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And that’s why he knows that there’s something wrong. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Callum’s quiet as he curls close, breath just brushing against Ben’s skin. A hand comes around Ben’s hip, pulls him in and holds him close and he’d get it from this if nothing else, because Callum is always like this when there’s something else going on. Searching for physical reassurance where Ben’s only too eager to give it, because it comforts him too. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He waits though, lets Callum bask in the afterglow because if they’re really going to talk about this he has to be careful. Instead, he threads gentle fingers through Callum’s hair the way Ben knows he likes, a shiver going down his spine at the little hum that he makes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You okay?” Ben says, voice quiet and gentle, so that he doesn’t break the blissful quiet so much. Callum hums and presses his face into Ben, and he can feel the way Callum smiles against him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” he says, quiet and if Ben didn’t know him so painfully well he’d miss the hint of something else in his voice. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You sure?” Ben says, twisting so that he can look down at Callum. He just hums though, holding him closer. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Look, can we,” he starts, sighing a little because he hates to break this but he can’t sleep without asking. “Can we talk about something?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He feels the way Callum tenses up against him immediately at the words and he hates himself for it, because it’s not as if he hasn’t had enough stress recently. He moves a gentle thumb across the skin of Calllum’s shoulder where his hand rests, hoping beyond hope that maybe it’s some comfort to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure,” Callum says but his voice is all wrong. It’s tight and there’s panic in there and Ben just wants to go back, undo everything he’s said and turn the clock back a couple of seconds before he’s managed to fuck this up. But he can’t- it’s done now, he just needs to bite the bullet. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay,” Ben says, although it sounds pathetic even to his ears. “I- I mean, I’m not angry or anything.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Callum seems to relax a little at that, and </span>
  <em>
    <span>that’s </span>
  </em>
  <span>something they need to talk about too - Callum’s easy acceptance of punishment, of consequence no matter whether he deserves it - but that’s for another time. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was just thinking,” Ben says quietly, eyes trained at the ceiling because he can’t start this watching Callum’s eyes move, because he’ll just get lost in them. “Maybe you should talk to someone.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Callum sighs. “I know, I should’ve talked to you about it all, Ben, I-” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, no, that’s not what I mean,” he replies, shifting away slightly so that they can lie face to face. The loss of contact burns, but he reaches a hand out under the covers that Callum quickly takes, so that their fingers lay interlocked. He squeezes Callum’s hand, hoping that he can convey just a little of the </span>
  <em>
    <span>everything </span>
  </em>
  <span>that he’s feeling for Callum right now through that little touch alone. Callum squeezes it back and smiles a little, albeit nervously, so he takes that as a good sign. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean like someone proper- someone like a therapist or something.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They’ve talked about this a couple times before, in the aftermath of Callum saving Bobby from the train tunnel, in the aftermath of Keanu, in the aftermath of everything that’s wrought their relationship over the past year or so. Callum’s been determined every time that he </span>
  <em>
    <span>doesn’t need it, Ben, I’m fine</span>
  </em>
  <span> and trying to convince Ben that he can cope alone. It’s been hopeless every time yet Ben’s not sure why but it feels different this time- feels like they’re on a level now, or close enough. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Instead of the outright denial that he’s had before Callum’s quiet for a minute, eyes drifting down from Ben’s face, to the bed and back to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I just,” he starts and he’s not looking at Ben, eyes trained on his pillow as if he can’t bear to look. The way he fidgets with Ben’s fingers, rubbing over the knuckles and the pads of each of them, oh so delicate, tells him everything. “Do you think it’s worth it? I don’t wanna waste anyone’s time.” </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>God</span>
  </em>
  <span>, it breaks Ben’s heart how Callum thinks so little of himself. It’s been his mission ever since they got together to convince him that everything he’s been told about himself, about who he is or who he should be, is wrong. He was getting somewhere, but maybe he knows better than most- </span>
  <em>
    <span>two steps forward, one step back</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s okay though, because Ben will never get tired of convincing Callum just how </span>
  <em>
    <span>wonderful </span>
  </em>
  <span>he is- he’ll never get tired of loving the man in front of him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cal, you’re not gonna waste anyone’s time,” Ben says, voice soft in a way that it’s only really ever been for Callum and Lexi. He takes hold of Callum’s fingers and squeezes them tight, lacing them through and between his own. “You could never waste anyone’s time. You’ve been through so much in the past year, you deserve a break, someone to properly talk to- someone who can really help you get better.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Callum’s quiet again and he sighs, unsure. Ben wraps an arm around his shoulder and pulls him in, so that Callum’s head is back on his chest. It works, because the other man melts into the embrace as soon as they’re back together. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Look,” he says, careful because he doesn’t want to push too far but he can’t just let this go either. “I ain’t gonna force you to do anything, alright? But I do think it’ll help you. You can always just try it for a little bit and if it doesn’t help you that’s fine, no harm done. I just- I want you to be okay because I love you, more than you’ll ever know.” </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Except not never, not if Ben has anything to say about it. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Callum freezes against him for a second, then turns so that their eyes connect. There are tears in Callum’s, and a pure wonder at Ben’s words- one that he recognises, because even after all this time Callum doesn’t believe he’s worth it. He sighs, the breath curling across Ben’s skin and then he nods a little. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay,” he says, voice soft. “Okay, I’ll try it. I love you too, so much, you know that right?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben nods. “I know. But hey, why don’t you show me?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Callum laughs, the doubt all but gone from his eyes, and grins. “Reckon I could do that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Callum presses their lips together again and Ben’s hand tangles in his hair, pulling him ever closer and he’s content in the thought that one day he might just have the promise of this forever. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>okay so if you aren't on tumblr you perhaps won't know of the absolute shitstorm that kicked off post-ep last night after *that line* from ben (everyone was going insane and very emotional, there have been like 6 seperate posts today of people saying that they will never be over it. i concur.) and this was inspired by a post that the lovely dingletragedy made about callum needing therapy and like i just wanted to write a soft moment so here we are hehe!<br/>comments n kudos mean the world to me, i hope you enjoyed and lots of love!!<br/>leo (on tumblr @artsy-highway) x</p></blockquote></div></div>
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